In Memory, Betty Harrington

This week I got the call I had always anticipated, but never wanted to receive. My Gran passed away in her sleep at the age of 91. She is a hero of mine, having given up her life after our mom passed to come live with us and care for us in 1988. She never looked back, she felt so at home with us, she never left. She shared in our graduations, weddings, births, deaths. She made sacrifices for our family, putting us first always. My Gran loved to share life with people. She was outgoing, friendly, full of witty antics and stories. A good old soul to have around. She loved animals, especially our family pets. Her heart was big. She showed us unconditional love in many ways, always supporting us in all we did, wanting to share life with us. Having moved out of state, I always made an effort to bring my boys to see her and the family. She lived for that. I am so glad she got to see them grow into who they are today. She was a proud Grandma. They will miss her.

I honor my Gran, Elizabeth Harrington for being a hero in my life, when we needed her most. For being the best Gran who knew how to spoil and love us to pieces. She always embraced with hugs and kisses and brightened the room with quiet giggles. I remember our last call on Mother's Day ended with "I love you." it always did. She knew in her heart how important she was to me and my family. She will be missed, but I know she is at peace now with her youngest son, sister and many dear friends.

I celebrate you Gran! Thank you for making my heart smile and loving me for the past 36 years.

Rejoice!

Singing Silent Night today in Christmas Eve service, I began to weep. I had my family close which is a huge blessing. I wept in thankfulness for them. I wept in sorrow for those families recently I have heard about losing loved ones so close to the holidays. It's not fair and not right. No one should have a holiday ruined by the loss of a loved one. Back in Indiana where we use to live, a mother and daughter were murdered in their home this past week. The cops believe it was a robbery. My angry question is why on earth did you have to take their lives from this world? Take what you want and leave them alone. I don't get it. Instead of celebrating our Savior, enjoying time with family, they are mourning the loss of loved ones. They have to prepare for the funeral following Christmas. Awful. I weep just thinking about it. I just read the other day of a father who threw his son off the roof of their building and jumped after him to their deaths over a custody fight. Really? Why on earth would you do that? Another family broken by a selfish act. A lady I work with is losing her husband to cancer. My heart aches for her, having to say goodbye to the love of her life, the father of her children. No way to spend the holiday season in grief.

So tonight, I am grateful once again for my family, my loved ones. My friends. I rejoice in knowing my Savior. Knowing my peace. Knowing my strength. I rejoice that I am not one of the stories mentioned above. I rejoice. May we all rest in heavenly peace tonight.

Merry Christmas!

My Testimony

I was encouraged by my friend Julia Hull to share my testimony. I don't remember much from childhood unfortunately and this is probably why. This is my testimony.

I grew up in a Catholic Family. I remember going to a Catholic Preschool, attending church and Sunday school every week. I don’t remember much prayer, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t take place. I remember my maternal Grandparents were very religious, probably why my Mom was so consistent. I remember the church wanting my sister and I to go to confession, but my Dad thought we were too young, so I never made it. 

I remember my Dad sitting my sister and I down one night before bed, maybe I was around 6 or 7, not sure exactly. He told me that his brother, my Uncle Rick had gotten very sick and was no longer with us. I was too young to really understand it, or what it meant, but I never got to say goodbye. I would later understand that he died from melanoma. A few years would pass and I noticed my mom’s belly growing and I thought she must be having a baby. This was not the case. I didn’t know or understand at the time, being only around 8, that she was battling ovarian cancer. I was a young kid who was the only kid I knew whose mom was in and out of the hospital getting chemo treatments, hooked up to IV’s, walking around our house losing her hair, her nails, her bladder. Never feeling good, but always having a smile on her face to show me she was okay. I twirled baton and was really good at it, but my mom was too sick to ever see me compete. My coach adopted me as we traveled around the country for competitions. I became a National Champion at age 10, but she never got to see.

When I was 11, my mom was still fighting. Ovarian cancer is a very hard cancer to find before its too late and unfortunately her battle was coming to an end. Hospice came in and took my sister and I out for pictures to be done, tried to get us out of the house and into happier places. This was a great program, one that I would later train to be a part of while living in San Diego, but moved out of state soon after and never sought since. Something I still regret and hope to do in the near future. I remember she wanted to die at home, so all of our family was there near Halloween of 1988. I remember my Dad coming down the stairs, asking my sister and I to say goodbye to our Mom. I crawled onto her bed weeping, saying I love you over and over again. I wasn’t really sure what was happening, what this all meant. At least I got to say goodbye. I embraced my Mom one last time on October 30, 1988. The next day was Halloween and I went to school. I wanted to dress up. I remember my Dad taking my teacher aside and providing the news. I should not have been there, but I was a kid and I wanted to dress up.

After this point, I did not see church outside of Christmas and Easter when my Dad would take us. God was not part of our lives much anymore. Fast forward 3 years to age 14 when my best friend Julie became a Christian and wanted nothing more than to share the good news with me. No thank you. I was done with God. I was hurt, heartbroken and confused as to why a loving God would do this to me. I had no one else to blame. Julie kept trying and trying to convince me to come to church with her. After much begging, I would go with her throughout the remainder of high school because I loved her, not God. I would find another friend Sarah in high school who would invite me to church as well. I went with her because a cute guy at our high school went there too. I entered Sac State the fall of 1995 and would meet another friend Cari who wanted to get back into church. I would later realize that God placed all of these people in my life for a reason. I would later realize that God did not pick my Mom out of the crowd and give her cancer. I would later realize that we are not promised a perfect life. I would later realize that God uses circumstances in our lives to bring us closer to Him. I would later realize that He used Julie, Sarah and Cari as stepping stones to my relationship with Him. I would later realize on December 6, 1996 that Jesus died for me and my sins and He loved me more than I will ever know. That no matter what joy or hardship I face, He is right there with me.

Please don’t get me wrong. I still weep over the loss of my Mother, but I am healed and restored by the love of Jesus. Yes, it was the worst tragedy in my life thus far, at too young of an age for any child to endure, but I am thankful and grateful that God used that circumstance in my life to bring me to Him. To his peace. I was set free of my anger, my hurt, my blame.

That is my story.

Okay, its Magical!

This summer Kerry and I decided to take the boys to Disneyland. We were thinking of places we could go that would entertain the kids. We did Legoland, SeaWorld and the Zoo in San Diego last Spring and really wanted to avoid this option because we have not been fans since being kids ourselves. Dating, we could not fathom why any of our friends would go on "dates" there. Even after going, I still would not go on a date there. It's for the kids, I kept telling Kerry who did not want to go. We would ask Caleb where he wanted to go for vacation. "Disneyland. I have never been there." How did he know? We never really spoke of it hoping to avoid it at all costs. I got so giddy inside when he replied with that answer, because, little did he know, Mom and Dad planned our trip to DISNEYLAND!!!! We kept it a surprise, hoping to keep it secret until we walked into Disneyland and we certainly did! Walking up to the park after riding on the Toy Story themed bus, he still had no clue. We finally had to tell him, we are at DISNEYLAND!!! He was sooooooo excited! Kieran was happy too, but being 3, he doesn't fully comprehend everything we say! We did a 3 day park hopper, 1 park each day, so we began at Disney, did California the next day and finished with Disney. The kids brought their piggy bank money to buy souvenirs and my sister had given them money to buy Mickey ears. Outside of the dreadful lines, we were able to ride everything we wanted to and the kids managed to survive the wait times. Caleb just wanted to go, go, go. "What can we go on next?" We got to bed late, woke up early and started all over again! The boys loved the Pirates of the Caribbean the best. A month later they are still talking about the trip and saying, "When we go to Disneyland again....." Thanking God for Disneyland. Singing songs from Disneyland. So, okay. Disneyland is Magical. I am still not calling it the Happiest Place on Earth, because Fenway Park is. Kerry and I both agreed that Disneyland was magical because our kids absolutely loved it and had a blast! It was magical to see. It was magical because of all of the dedication and effort and design and architecture. Magical. Here are some memories that I captured along the way.

Cars Land

Meeting Chip & Dale

Jungle Cruise

Space Mountain face. Priceless.

Speedy, aka Seaby dog Memorium

4/22/02-2/14/13

 The past few days have been emotional as my beloved Golden Retriever Speedy has began to decline quickly. He was fine 2 weeks ago and all of a sudden it hit him and hit him hard. Every time I think about saying goodbye I start bawling, writing this I am weepy, but I know its good therapy to get my thoughts out. I knew he was getting older and grumpier, but then something happened and he turned so quickly. You can see the sadness in his eyes, eyes that I think have gone blind in the past few days. Laying down seems to be his only comfort right now. I have to coax him to get up and go outside, like really coax him. I have been using turkey, but then its almost as if his sense of smell has gone away too. He stopped eating dry food, but thankfully has devoured his wet food if pushed right under his mouth. I don't think he can see it. I don't want to prolong the inevitable. I keep reading that if your dog just lays around, cannot get up, does not act alert when you are around, is not his usual self, its time to say goodbye. That is Speedy right now. He has not lost his bladder thankfully, but my poor baby is not happy. I wish he could speak to me and tell me to let him go.

 I look back on the past 11 years I have had with him. I remember the day we went to pick him out from his litter. So many precious golden pups, how do you choose? Kerry and I both fell in love with Speedy and couldn't wait to bring him home in the weeks ahead. He was our first baby and Kerry made fun of me for comparing him to one, but it was true! He had to learn how to sleep on his own, to go potty outside and to obey. I can't say the obedience was very successful with me anyway, but still all qualities very similar to raising a child! It has been crazy to watch him grow and transform. We have moved him 3x in his life and he has adapted so wonderfully. He has always been a lover and a beggar. A snuggler and a player. A furry ball of love. He has loved our boys. He has loved our friends. He has loved our family.

Yesterday my heart was filled with so much agony and I knew it was time to say goodbye. The night before Kerry and I talked about how do we know when its time? I wasn't ready. Kerry went off to work and I didn't know I was going to make a decision that day. My heart was full of sorrow. I bawled and bawled so many tears, so much that my eyes hurt and they still have not returned to normal color. I had made another appointment at the Vet just to confirm his blindness and I thought to myself, if I can get him into the car, this is going to be his last trip. He was so slow to walk because he could no longer see. My heart was breaking. My beloved Golden who had loved walks more than anything, could barely move. I helped him into the car and drove to get Caleb from school. I explained to the boys that we most likely were going to say goodbye to Speedy that afternoon. Being so young, they didn't really understand the meaning, but at least Caleb knew he was going to doggy heaven. As I sat and waited for the Vet, I just loved on my dog and he stared into a new world of gray. The Vet came in and checked his eyes and confirmed that he was blind. I called Kerry and he got out of his meeting to come down. I walked Speedy outside for one more stroll as the snow was falling. He was so slow and hesitant. Kerry arrived and spoke to the Vet as we were struggling to make a decision. We could see how life would be with a blind dog. We could get better pain meds. We could do some blood work to see if there were any other underlying problems. We could. We could. We could. I called my Dad to seek his confirmation. I called my Mother in Law. They both agreed his quality of life had come to an end. It was the end. I kept bawling in front of the Vet. I wanted his confirmation that I was making the right decision, but he could not make it for me. He said that from what I had told him, from what my thoughts and feelings had been, that my heart was telling me out of love for my dog, that this was best.

I think the hardest part was this change in his health happened so quickly. Like, 2 weeks ago he was fine. Kerry wanted to stay back with Speedy while they put him to sleep, but my heart couldn't take it. Kerry said he deserved to be in the arms of his loved ones. Of course. When the Vet shaved his leg and was looking for a vein, he told Kerry that it appeared he had lymphatic cancer and we had made the right decision. Confirmation. I did not want my Seaby dog to suffer another day. I shed more tears as I lovingly hugged him goodbye, whispering words of love and thankfulness I hope he heard. He was our first baby and my first dream dog that I had always wanted in my life. He is and will ever be a huge part of my life. His memory will reside in my heart always.

This post is for you Seaby dog. Thank you for making our family special. Thank you for being a dear friend. We love you and know you are at peace!

Reflecting on 2012

Its hard to believe another year has passed. I sit here trying to think of the highlights of the year, to only remember a few? Good thing I tried the memory jar this year to refresh. The best memory of this past year would have to be our move to Colorado. Although we left dear friends behind us, I know dear friends are before us. Kerry really felt a tug on his heart to say goodbye to Indiana and get his boys closer to their grandparents. He sat back and let God lead him to an awesome church in Loveland through a lengthy process that really proved to be the next chapter in our book.With moving always comes worry, doubt, excitement, sadness and joy. We drove away from our retreat of a home in Noblesville still up for sale, not looking back, trusting that God was going to provide a buyer so we could start anew in Loveland. God provided an apartment on a month to month basis where we only had to dwell for 3 months. Exactly what we needed. In that time, our house sold in Noblesville and we found our new home in Loveland. There were days when Kerry was hopeless and frustrated. On those days, I was full of hope and trust. Someone had to be. You see, we never know when God will answer a prayer. Its a waiting game. He uses this time to teach us and mold us and to grow us. The call came 2.5 months after we put the house up that we had an offer, with another on the way. What??? God can be silly sometimes, but he knew the right house was not ready for us yet here because we found it a few weeks later, 2 days on the market and we walked in and knew it was our home. Again, we had to trust that God would provide if it indeed was. He did! Someone else really wanted it too, but He chose us. Another blessing in this year was finding a pre-school for Caleb. I found it by researching online, hoping they would have a spot for him and they did. Just one. I could not be more pleased with his school. His teachers are amazing and LOVE Caleb. I wish I could keep them, they are that good! One more highlight to share is the reuniting of our family, probably the most special of all. We left Arizona in Spring of 2009, leaving Kerry's family behind. We made the distance work over the 3.5 years we were gone, but it was still very hard on our boys. When they heard we were heading to Colorado where their other son was already residing, they continued to pray and follow their wish to be together again. God sold their house in a day and the message was clear. They were on the move too! They now live 10 miles away and we can see them all the time, rather than wait a few months for a flight to another state. Blessings!

Every year brings good and bad. Joy and sadness. I am thankful for my healthy family. Thankful for each day as you never know when the story ends. I am thankful I get to be at home with my boys, even though they can drive me bananas,but also fill my heart to the brim with their cuteness. I am thankful for my husband who is faithful, who works so hard to provide for us, who loves me unconditionally. I am thankful to my God who is my peace, my strength, my Savior. Without Him, I would not be whole.

Happy New Year! God Bless!

Settling In

First snow in October!

It has been awhile, almost forgot this was here and debated whether or not I should continue or care about it. We have been in Colorado nearly 3 months now, closing on our house next week! We can hardly wait to vacate this small apartment we have called home temporarily and get our dog back and finally be settled.

Beautiful Mountain View in Fall

Once we got here, Caleb jumped  right into Jr. K Preschool. He loves it and his teachers love him! We had gotten negative feedback last year about his behavior which I was concerned about for this year, but to our surprise, none of that supposed behavior has surfaced. Hmmm. He also celebrated his 5th birthday late September. We can hardly believe our first born is growing so fast! He is into Star Wars, Lego's, swords, riding his bike and scooter, just about anything outdoors! His favorite food is shrimp right now and he loves to go to Menchie's Frozen Yogurt.

Kieran is nearly halfway to 3. This too has gone by so fast! He has been determined to use the potty like his brother, but I wanted to hold off on actual training til we got into our house, so hopefully he is raring to go soon! He is still a little peanut, but lately he has been a fan of Chinese Food. Asking for broccoli and mini corns! This is food he will actually eat, no problem where he picks and chooses at everything else! He loves his treats and has a hard time understanding when its okay to have one! This has been a tough year or should I say, a "Terrible Two" year. Lots of screaming, fighting and tantrums. Lord, help me if this doesn't change for the better in year 3. He can be so cute, yet so devilish at the same time. His vocabulary is great and he has resorted to calling me "Mom" all of a sudden like he is now 14. He loves playing just about anything Caleb does, hence where the fighting starts. He loves Woody and Buzz Lightyear, the Aquabats and Veggie Tales.

Kerry has been at Foundations for 3 months now. The church is awesome and we are surrounded by a great church community. We are excited to see where God leads as I have already been amazed at the abundance of blessings thus far. We have joined a small group and continue to meet some great families we hope to grow alongside. Another bonus is Kerry's family is all here in Colorado! Well, almost. His brother resides about an hour South and his parents are moving out early December so we can all be together once again. The boys have missed their grandparents over the past 3.5 years, so it will be nice to finally call this place home for all of us. No more moving!