Speedy, aka Seaby dog Memorium

4/22/02-2/14/13

 The past few days have been emotional as my beloved Golden Retriever Speedy has began to decline quickly. He was fine 2 weeks ago and all of a sudden it hit him and hit him hard. Every time I think about saying goodbye I start bawling, writing this I am weepy, but I know its good therapy to get my thoughts out. I knew he was getting older and grumpier, but then something happened and he turned so quickly. You can see the sadness in his eyes, eyes that I think have gone blind in the past few days. Laying down seems to be his only comfort right now. I have to coax him to get up and go outside, like really coax him. I have been using turkey, but then its almost as if his sense of smell has gone away too. He stopped eating dry food, but thankfully has devoured his wet food if pushed right under his mouth. I don't think he can see it. I don't want to prolong the inevitable. I keep reading that if your dog just lays around, cannot get up, does not act alert when you are around, is not his usual self, its time to say goodbye. That is Speedy right now. He has not lost his bladder thankfully, but my poor baby is not happy. I wish he could speak to me and tell me to let him go.

 I look back on the past 11 years I have had with him. I remember the day we went to pick him out from his litter. So many precious golden pups, how do you choose? Kerry and I both fell in love with Speedy and couldn't wait to bring him home in the weeks ahead. He was our first baby and Kerry made fun of me for comparing him to one, but it was true! He had to learn how to sleep on his own, to go potty outside and to obey. I can't say the obedience was very successful with me anyway, but still all qualities very similar to raising a child! It has been crazy to watch him grow and transform. We have moved him 3x in his life and he has adapted so wonderfully. He has always been a lover and a beggar. A snuggler and a player. A furry ball of love. He has loved our boys. He has loved our friends. He has loved our family.

Yesterday my heart was filled with so much agony and I knew it was time to say goodbye. The night before Kerry and I talked about how do we know when its time? I wasn't ready. Kerry went off to work and I didn't know I was going to make a decision that day. My heart was full of sorrow. I bawled and bawled so many tears, so much that my eyes hurt and they still have not returned to normal color. I had made another appointment at the Vet just to confirm his blindness and I thought to myself, if I can get him into the car, this is going to be his last trip. He was so slow to walk because he could no longer see. My heart was breaking. My beloved Golden who had loved walks more than anything, could barely move. I helped him into the car and drove to get Caleb from school. I explained to the boys that we most likely were going to say goodbye to Speedy that afternoon. Being so young, they didn't really understand the meaning, but at least Caleb knew he was going to doggy heaven. As I sat and waited for the Vet, I just loved on my dog and he stared into a new world of gray. The Vet came in and checked his eyes and confirmed that he was blind. I called Kerry and he got out of his meeting to come down. I walked Speedy outside for one more stroll as the snow was falling. He was so slow and hesitant. Kerry arrived and spoke to the Vet as we were struggling to make a decision. We could see how life would be with a blind dog. We could get better pain meds. We could do some blood work to see if there were any other underlying problems. We could. We could. We could. I called my Dad to seek his confirmation. I called my Mother in Law. They both agreed his quality of life had come to an end. It was the end. I kept bawling in front of the Vet. I wanted his confirmation that I was making the right decision, but he could not make it for me. He said that from what I had told him, from what my thoughts and feelings had been, that my heart was telling me out of love for my dog, that this was best.

I think the hardest part was this change in his health happened so quickly. Like, 2 weeks ago he was fine. Kerry wanted to stay back with Speedy while they put him to sleep, but my heart couldn't take it. Kerry said he deserved to be in the arms of his loved ones. Of course. When the Vet shaved his leg and was looking for a vein, he told Kerry that it appeared he had lymphatic cancer and we had made the right decision. Confirmation. I did not want my Seaby dog to suffer another day. I shed more tears as I lovingly hugged him goodbye, whispering words of love and thankfulness I hope he heard. He was our first baby and my first dream dog that I had always wanted in my life. He is and will ever be a huge part of my life. His memory will reside in my heart always.

This post is for you Seaby dog. Thank you for making our family special. Thank you for being a dear friend. We love you and know you are at peace!