One Too Many Losses

Today is a sad day. My heart is weeping for my sister and her family. The loss I had been hoping and praying would not come this soon inevitably came. My niece Elizabeth who celebrates her first birthday on Friday has lost the only Grandma she ever got to smile with, her paternal Grandma Linda. She lost her battle of cancer on Monday. She was a loving lady whose smile radiated the room. Always very kind and loving towards my family whom she saw twice a year. I remember talking to my Dad a few weeks ago and we shared this exact thought. "Elizabeth won't have a Grandma to play with." I nearly broke down in tears. It sucks. It just doesn't seem fair. My family has suffered one too many losses, more so than others I know.

When my favorite Uncle Rick passed away, I think I was too young to understand what it meant. I never got to say goodbye and then just went on with life. A few years later, my mother was dying of cancer and I was still very young, but I had the chance to say goodbye. I witnessed her courageous fight that came to an end when I was only 11. This chapter of my life is forever embedded in my memory. I don't so much remember happy, joyful memories unless I look at old pictures. I remember her fight. I remember how much she suffered and endured pain, but I know she did it all for us in hope of beating the odds. It just didn't work out the way we wanted and who did I blame? God. I had no other choice. I didn't know who else was to blame. In high school and early college I lost my paternal Grandfather, both of my maternal Grandparents and a high school friend. One too many losses for someone under 20.

I am very grateful to my best friend Julie who walked along beside me through this entire journey of my life and still does. She shared God with me in a completely different way I could actually understand. Yes, I was still angry, but I was slowly starting to understand that God gives and God takes away. I found a church that taught me about God and what he wanted for my life and finally gave it over to Him when I was 19. From that day forward I knew peace. All of my tragedies were at peace in my heart. My cousin Deb gave me a book that she had read to help mourn the loss of her husband. "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold S. Kushner. He lost a son to progeria and he has some very comforting things to say. I always go back to this book when I need extra comfort. Yes, I always have God's word, but this author really captures wisdom I need to hear so clearly during a time of loss such as this. "Could it be that God does not cause the bad things that happen to us? Could it be that He doesn't decide which families are singled out to suffer, but rather He stands ready to help them and us cope with our tragedies if we could only get beyond the feelings of guilt and anger that separate us from Him? Could it be that "How could God do this to me? is really the wrong question to ask? When hard times befall you, don't be tempted to give up on your faith in God. He has reasons for what He is doing and I am comforted by the knowledge that there is purpose beyond my comprehension. I am so glad Deb gave me this book, it reassures me of my faith during these rough times.

My cousin Deb's mother passed away who is my paternal Grandmother's sister a little over a year ago around the time that we found out Linda's cancer had come back and this time it was unexpectedly terminal. My heart immediately sank and I prayed to God with all my might each day forward for a miracle of healing. I reached out to close friends and family asking for prayer, but this time the one miracle I wanted so badly for my sister did not surface. I wanted God so badly to be evident to her, that bad things don't always happen to good people. But, bad things do happen to good people and it is not God who wills it. This is hard for anyone to understand. Not too soon after Kieran was born, some very close family friends lost both parents within a short span of time. Again, one too many losses. When is the hurt going to stop?

I am saddened for my sister because she has now lost her second Mom and her daughter will not have a Grandma to play with and be spoiled by. Thankfully her Great Grandmother can fill those shoes a little while longer. For me, having a mother in law has been a huge blessing in my life. A mentor, friend and someone I can call on for anything. Any daughter needs that and hopefully my sister can find someone who will adopt her in that way if she hasn't already.

"Our God can heal and our God loves us. But even if He chooses not to heal, He still loves us. We surrendered to His power to give and take away."